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To f (3)

2011年12月28日

2011/12/28 (Wed) The following words in my past records have been all for you.
– The message that I say that I had deleted in the record on the 9th of November was something like I was sad that you did not seem to believe me about this harassment, although I know my story is unbelievable and I would not believe it if I were you. I wish I had been honest and simple enough to say, “Help me!” to you, when I talked about this problem to you (although what I really wanted to say was something different …) Same on the day before the day I saw you last in the office. That day, I was not busy for the first time in months but I had slept little because of the neighbor’s attacks that were toughest. I thought I looked too terrible to smile at you, so I did not look at you when I greeted to you. Inside, I was saying, “Help.”

I am not angry that you did not believe me and help me. There had been much already and this story was too much. I appreciate your kindness of talking to me and making me feel better and confident, and helping me notice some bad habit and bias in me, from around this time of last year till this spring 🙂 –

2011/08/26 ~ 2011/08/30 Slept around 5 hrs on average. Haven’t been feeling like going to bed till late for a personal reason. …

Haven’t been able to sleep till late for a personal reason, and not been able to sleep again after waking/woken up early in the morning due to electric attack-like sensations in the brain.

2011/11/09 (Wed)
On Monday night, I deleted a part of what I wrote on the 4th of November, last Friday, to take back those words of mine, because I felt that I might have hurt someone by them. If so, I am sorry. I should not have written them. I just I missed the person. I always say wrong things and hurt the people who are nice to me. Probably I did that this time again. I am very sorry. I am sorry for my lack of trust.

2011/12/06 (Tue)
The thing that makes me angry, about myself, is that I have hurt someone and that I failed to make myself happy even for a short second, because of this lack of alertness and sensitivity to the finest feelings due to sleep deprivation and the attacks. Of course I am rather insensitive to or slow to understand some kind of feelings of others but not, I think, to the degree that I was this summer:
Early this summer, someone said that he wouldn’t be able to sleep, after having a harmless fun chat, and I took it literally and gave him advice to sleep well while noticing and wondering about his expression changing from a gentle smile to that of witnessing a monster or something. I did not realize or thought of the possibility of the implication of the expression till November, even though I had heard the expression used to mean something other than a fit of insomnia and even though I myself used the expression for that usage in this blog in late summer, which also I had forgotten until recently. (My memories are so fragmented. It is amazing that I am still barely functioning at work) This was also probably because I have been alien to love and affection directed to me, even at a level of possibility, for a long long time. Humiliation and violence are the main things everyone has been giving to me until really recently. I should have been all the happier with the gentleness of his words after all the hell I had experienced and as I had been kind of attracted by him. When I think about this I have a feeling of loss and when I think about how the man felt about my reaction I feel desperate. Most of the time when I act insensitive, there is some fault or two on the other side, but he had nothing to blame.

2011/12/21 (Wed)
Spent an hour or so looking around Ikuno, Osaka on the Google street view. My great uncle’s house was there till around 15 years ago. I often visited them and spent a month or so there during the years when I was 20 through 21. I liked the couple and I liked their neighborhood. Their adopted daughter was nice to me, too. One time, my great aunt and her friends, very kind ladies, helped me wear kimono and gave me my first make up for a snap shot on my great uncle’s proposal. I was so nerdy, actually suffering from eating disorder, that I did not know how to put on or even think of putting on makeup, much less dressing up and taking pictures for memory. Although I was not able to spot the place, I found the street view not so different from that of those days except for the area around Momodani Station. I miss my great aunt. She makes my heart warm. Her friends, too. One of them made me fried rice, which was of professional level. I also remember I was sent by my great uncle to call out for my great aunt who was enjoying herself with her friends at the neighborhood coffee shop.

2011/12/23 (Fri)
Went for a class at Shibuya in the evening. Good class. Some very nice students with beautiful smiles 🙂

2011/12/25 (Sun)
It seems that you are not around the office when I go there these days, although I seldom go there. I miss you. I hope you are fine… By the way, I type the initial letter of your name in the lower case f, not the upper case F, because I think the letter looks like you, slim, smart and gentle, and F looks to me too arrogant and authoritative to represent you, so please do not get offended if you read this 🙂

2011/12/27 (Tue)
Today is my last work day this year. I think I’ll stay at the fast food restaurant at my station on my way home again today because I feel calm there. Most customers do not harass me and many of them make me feel secure 🙂

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